Thursday, July 1, 2010

Burgering the Second: Abbaye

CHRONICLED HEREIN is the compiled scoring for BURGERING THE SECOND at the eatery known as the ABBAYE.

SIX Officers of Baron Uther's Royal Gustatory Expeditionary Regiment and ONE Batman to the Major participated in Burgering the Second.

MEAT - 4.86
JUICE - 4.71

TOTAL - 33.43 out of 35

Regiment's scoring has set the bar for future burgerings at levels this Captain finds dubious, however Captain was not present for burgering.

All scores were a marked improvement over BURGERING THE FIRST: CHARCOAL PIT. Of particular note is the perfect score for TOPPINGS, which seems to be due in large part to the presence of ASIAGO CHEESE as a selection. BUN QUALITY, MEAT, and LORD ECKSTEIN factors were each 1 Officer vote away from perfection with dissenting Officers each giving a score of 4.

Biggest surprise result result was LORD ECKSTEIN'S FACTOR scoring higher than CHARCOAL PIT which was initially thought to be a high bar for this category, however availability of beer, lack of insect sighting, and better seating arrangement are all thought to have contributed to the ABBAYE'S high score. Location in area known to have high hipster population also did not detract from score as initially expected.

Clearly BURGERING THE SECOND should be considered a smashing success and B.U.R.G.E.R.'s highest recommendation, the MEDAL OF PRAESTO PABULUM, is hereby awarded to ABBAYE.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Burgering the First: Charcoal Pit

CHRONICLED HEREIN is the compiled scoring for BURGERING THE FIRST at the eatery known as the CHARCOAL PIT.

TWO Officers of Baron Uther's Royal Gustatory Expeditionary Regiment and SEVEN Officer Cadets participated in Burgering the First.

MEAT - 3.44
JUICE - 2.89

TOTAL - 25.22 out of 35

Regiment was split between two booths next to each other with one brave cadet positioned between the 2 booths in a folding chair. All officers scored the hand made patties with a 3 or 4 in the MEAT category.

However, JUICE scores varied wildly between the two booths as one booth, which included the Esteemed Major himself, getting overcooked burgers. The Major's burger was deemed to be so overcooked as to receive a score of "1". On the opposite extreme, the Captain's burger was deemed to be cooked a perfect medium rare and scored a "5".

With only 2 exceptions, TOPPINGS scored a 4 or 5 from all Officers and were deemed to be substantial.

The poorest score came in BUN QUALITY, with all Officers scoring this a 2 or 3. Clearly the area where immediate improvement could be made as a composite score of 2.44 comes in at below average.

GREASE again appeared to be split between the two booths.

LORD ECKSTEIN'S FACTOR is where the Charcoal Pit excelled with 4 or 5 across the board. All Officers agreed that the "old school" feel was fantastic. Handmade milkshakes and sides including fries and onion rings were sampled with excellent results all around.

The Charcoal Pit provides an outstanding place for a first burgering and all Officers felt their taste buds had been appropriately calibrated for future burgerings. Promotions to 2nd Lieutenant were handed out to all Officer Cadets (with one exception where an Officer Cadet was appointed Batman to the Major and immediately assigned the task of boot polishing).


Welcome to B. U. R. G. E. R.


You now find yourself reading the chronicles of the ADVENTURING and MERCENARY company known as Baron Uther's Royal Gustatory Expeditionary Regiment, whose task it is to adjudicate the peculiarities of beef based foodstuffs in the tradition of the Earl of Sandwich, victuals better known by the peasantry as "burgers".

HERE FOLLOW the canon of B.U.R.G.E.R.:

First Rule of B.U.R.G.E.R.
Vegetarians Fuck Off.

Second Rule of B.U.R.G.E.R.
Only BEEF based burgers are eligible for adjudication, a process henceforth referred to as BURGERING, by Baron Uther's Royal Gustatory Regiment.

Third Rule of B.U.R.G.E.R.
An upper limit of FIFTEEN US TREASURY BACKED DOLLARS applies for a burger to be deemed worthy of burgering.

Fourth Rule of B.U.R.G.E.R.
To qualify for burgering only the following condiments and toppings may be applied to the burger: mustard, ketchup, pickles, onions, lettuce, mayo, tomato, cheese IN ANY COMBINATION THEREOF, OFFICER'S PREFERENCE. In addition ONE additional condiment or topping may be applied beyond this list to accommodate "specialty" burgers.

Fifth Rule of B.U.R.G.E.R.
Burgering categories for consideration shall consist of the following judged on a FIVE POINT SCALE:

Meat - Quality and succulence of beef.

Juice - Category that captures burger preparation. Maximum scores are given for a burger cooked at appropriate temperature based on Officer's taste, with "Juice" levels adjusted accordingly. To wit, an Officer who orders a burger "medium rare" should base the "Juice" rating on what is expected for a burger prepared at that temperature.

Topping - Quality and freshness of condiments and toppings.

Satisfaction - Feeling upon completion of burger with a maximum score being a feeling of burger-induced euphoria and contentment.

Bun Quality - Freshness and taste of bun.

Grease Factor - Level of grease, with a maximum score being "ideal" for Officer's taste and lower scores either "too much" or "not enough". Officers will note that this category differs from "Juice" insofar as "Juice" factors the temperature of the beef, while "Grease Factor" is a measurement based on personal taste of the Officer (Exempli Gratia: One Officer may prefer a very greasy burger whereas another prefers very little grease).

Lord Eckstein's Factor - Intangibles not factored in the score of the burger itself. These may include things such as decor, sides, drinks, and any other items not included in the previous categories that the Officer deems necessary for a proper burgering experience.