You now find yourself reading the chronicles of the ADVENTURING and MERCENARY company known as Baron Uther's Royal Gustatory Expeditionary Regiment, whose task it is to adjudicate the peculiarities of beef based foodstuffs in the tradition of the Earl of Sandwich, victuals better known by the peasantry as "burgers".
HERE FOLLOW the canon of B.U.R.G.E.R.:
First Rule of B.U.R.G.E.R.
Vegetarians Fuck Off.
Second Rule of B.U.R.G.E.R.
Only BEEF based burgers are eligible for adjudication, a process henceforth referred to as BURGERING, by Baron Uther's Royal Gustatory Regiment.
Third Rule of B.U.R.G.E.R.
An upper limit of FIFTEEN US TREASURY BACKED DOLLARS applies for a burger to be deemed worthy of burgering.
Fourth Rule of B.U.R.G.E.R.
To qualify for burgering only the following condiments and toppings may be applied to the burger: mustard, ketchup, pickles, onions, lettuce, mayo, tomato, cheese IN ANY COMBINATION THEREOF, OFFICER'S PREFERENCE. In addition ONE additional condiment or topping may be applied beyond this list to accommodate "specialty" burgers.
Fifth Rule of B.U.R.G.E.R.
Burgering categories for consideration shall consist of the following judged on a FIVE POINT SCALE:
Meat - Quality and succulence of beef.
Juice - Category that captures burger preparation. Maximum scores are given for a burger cooked at appropriate temperature based on Officer's taste, with "Juice" levels adjusted accordingly. To wit, an Officer who orders a burger "medium rare" should base the "Juice" rating on what is expected for a burger prepared at that temperature.
Topping - Quality and freshness of condiments and toppings.
Satisfaction - Feeling upon completion of burger with a maximum score being a feeling of burger-induced euphoria and contentment.
Bun Quality - Freshness and taste of bun.
Grease Factor - Level of grease, with a maximum score being "ideal" for Officer's taste and lower scores either "too much" or "not enough". Officers will note that this category differs from "Juice" insofar as "Juice" factors the temperature of the beef, while "Grease Factor" is a measurement based on personal taste of the Officer (Exempli Gratia: One Officer may prefer a very greasy burger whereas another prefers very little grease).
Lord Eckstein's Factor - Intangibles not factored in the score of the burger itself. These may include things such as decor, sides, drinks, and any other items not included in the previous categories that the Officer deems necessary for a proper burgering experience.
CARPE BUBULAM - SEIZE THE BEEF